Believe it or not, the following exchanges are gleaned from stenographers' reports of actual court cases.

Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: So the date of your baby's conception was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Attorney: Did you sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.

Thanks, Bath & Body Works. I rarely shop at expensive stores like this because there is no way I can afford to really do so. You are correct, that's a lie, but I just can't get myself to buy expensive things like that when there's no one to show off for in the first place. Anyway, I found this absolutely wonderful lip balm that Jessica bought as a Christmas present for me. It is perfect. It smells good and tastes minty. There is no tint. It's very protective. It is just wonderful in every way...except the price of course. So when I saw a sale for buy one get one free I figured it was the best deal I'd see on them anyway so I'd just go for it! I put two in my 'shopping bag' and went to the checkout where it said I had four. So far the math is correct.

When I received the package this morning I was very surprised to see three lip balms. The invoice said three. I went and checked my account online and the recent purchases said three. I checked the confirmation email and it said three. While I know you don't really care, if only you could imagine my anger. Because of the expense of these products, the wonderful sale is the only reason I bought them. I really enjoy money being stooooolen. The second half of the smileys on here are kind of interesting. Not very colorful but they will do.

I wish I had a fun work story to share but since I stand around doing absolutely nothing these days when I'm there it's hard to find anything interesting. Yesterday and the day before the heat was not working so the store was below 55 degrees all day. It was actually nicer outside than in the store at one point. Today I had time to read through a few magazines. Oh, yeah, here are some tips from Self magazine. They had an article on Jenna Fischer and the tips that I guess the magazine people gave her. Oh sure, they're available online. Well, I hid down an aisle and took notes on what they mentioned. It wasn't much, just dressing fresh, jogging, sleeping, doing crunches, and a few other things.

Why am I still going? What a boring post. I will finish up with a few newspaper headlines from 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said.

Police Suspicious After Body Found in Graveyard

Male Infertility Can be Passed on to Children

Statistics Show that Mortality Increases Perceptibly in the Military During Wartime

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say

And last but not least...

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Har har.

There is this customer that frequents our store who gave me the opportunity to laugh today. She's an older black lady with a heavy 'south side' accent. She is one of the rudest people I know. I would say that eighty seven percent of the time that she comes into the store she had beforehand called the store and had us do her shopping for her. Probably thirty two percent of that time she comes in the store herself to pick up the products, and the rest of the time she is so lazy that she has her grandson, equally as rude and even more unhappy, walk to the store to buy the products.

Now, I am so fed up with this place. They have screwed me here and there, and as much pleasure as I've gotten out of it I am still unhappy. I'm female. I will never be completely satisfied. When the opportunity arose to have some fun today, I just grabbed that brownish area by it's points and I didn't let it go, no matter what my mom said!

I had just dealt with an angry customer who could not read her receipt because she figured it would read itself to her and was a bit upset. When the phone rang, I picked up the receiver and said, "Dollar General, Spoon speaking."

A very recognizable voice then asked, "Do you carry honey?"

"I'm sorry, do we carry what?"

"Honey."

"Carny?"

"Honey."

"Chunny?"

I didn't do it on purpose the first time. She was actually adding an 'arrr' like a pirate sound when she was saying honey and I was completely confused, and now that I've written this out I realize that you'd have to be there and you'd have to be me to find this funny. It was though. She was so pissed off. That went on for two or three more words and I finally gave in and told her we carry the product. I then proceeded to give her the wrong price because I wasn't going to walk all the way up to the front of the store for someone that doesn't deserve any courtesy.

I just missed Forks favorite Axe commercial.

I get the weekend off so I will be partying all weekend. Oh sweet, that means I get to watch the Saturday night Disney movie tomorrow! It's been too long. Adios, amigos.

I prefer European beer. American beer mostly sucks, except Budweiser, which honestly, is alright. It's not great, and I'd like to avoid it if I can but...it is what it is. I wanted beer, and I wanted cheap beer.

So, in the interest of seeing just what I'm like, I'll be writing my thoughts down after each beer. Let's see what happens.

Beer 1 - Just finished the first one. I'm watching Scrubs. I love this show. Dr. Cox is one of my favorite TV characters ever. The way he treats JD is fucking hilarious. The other funny thing is Janitor, and his ad libbing of psycho lines. What a show. I'm partway through beer 2.

Beer 2 - Mmm. I'm actually feeling smooth right now. The fact that I've slept about 1 hour out of the last 24 has to do with this. Also, I don't drink as much anymore, so really...two beers is feeling nice. Scrubs just ended. I'm kind of sad, but now Family Guy is on. Why does my life revolve around TV? Oh, right, because I haven't fucked anyone in a long time, I can't believe I forgot. Cracking beer 3.

Beer 3 - I hate that new Axe commercial about girl approved hair. My response? "if these bitches with huge racks cant get a guy to nut on those double bubbles because of their hair, what choice does a flat chested shallow coporate whore like you have?" Hahaha suck on that skinny bitch with no tits in the commercial. Women are just as shallow as men, end of story. I hate women sometimes, especially my ex. People tell me to get over it...maybe I should. I want some pot and a blowjob and maybe some Del Taco?

Beer 4 - Family Guy is funny as hell. I love a frosty cold beer...too bad these aren't frosty, just cold. I wish I was at a bar. I want to look at some broads and get yelled at for it or something, then be thrown out and beaten up. That'd be so funny. I love my sports teams, and fuck the haters. I need another drink...opening beer 5.

Beer 5 - My friend just called me and assumes I'm mad at her. I'm not. Fucking women.

Beer 6 - I want...some food. But I ate food earlier. I love food. That's why I'm fat. I love chicks too. I want to get mad money, so I can lose mad weight, and get mad chicks, and mad rock it wall if you namean. haha namean. ghetto slang on the interwebs is what its wabout. Fuck tv seriously that 70s show is up next though sweeeeeeet. lets of e's. not lots of e though, i dont do drugs. i really wanna fuck this one girl.

Beer 7 - I love television. I wish I could watch corner gas. that show was funny as fuck but I can't do anything that associates itself with acanda. My fucking self is letting my fucking ex ruin my life. what the hell to that, man? why am i letting that shit happen. i know...because i have a lot of beer. oh fuck...this dude on tv is eating chicken...and some brownies just got brought in. i want chicken and brownies...mmm chicken.

Beer 8 - Sometimes I love my friends...I kinda want a cigar...I definitely want some assssss. And a brownie actually. Chicks love chocolate on their periods. Me too. but not on my period. on my question mark. i was just thinking, you know what, fuck my psychologist, im not an alcoholic, im 22 and I like to drink. so fuck that. ill quit drinking when i meet someone worth quitting over. i want chicken, i know that was in the last one but i still do. a burger or pizza or burrito would suffice but...mostly some spicy ass fried chicken with mashed potatoes and like, corn, some gravy, biscuits...god...im fat but fuck i love food. time for beer 9.

Beer 9 - Man I love my nephews and nieces. I just wanna buy them stuff. They are the best kids in the world. I don't think I could have my own kids...I duno. I'd do anything for my nieces/nephews though. I'd give my life for them. beer 10.

Beer 10 - Holy fuck I am drunk. no one else is awake to talk to me...im listening to music waiting for tv to come on that i dont even really want to watch cuz i want to listen to music. this is always my struggle when drunk/high, music or tv? usually one prevails in some sort of battle and it is the rich choice. i guess i should get drunk and high and listen to music while watching tv so i could just fuck everything up. i want to go on a date. beer 11 time.

Beer 11 - I have friends but I think I fuck them over or something...Because I'm probably not a good friend. holy GOD im drunk

whoa...i just woke up like 15 hours later with an unfinished 12th beer...nice

I have heard in the past that bad hair cutting is punishable by death, and therefore I must kill the beautician that recently worked on my hair. Is that fair? Not really. I'm the one that picked out this haircut. I'm the one that said, "Sure, you can go a little shorter than that!" I'm the one that is so female that I am still complaining about a haircut days after the horrific affair when I know that it doesn't look that bad and will grow back no matter how bad it seems. Dare I upload a picture of this monstrosity? I dare, I dare. My head lost a good three pounds on Monday and I just can't seem to adjust. I'm surprised there was that much brain in there to begin with!

Hideous.

So, funny times in the Namsor household tonight. We were discussing two different bags of meatballs that we have bought from Sams Club. One of them weighs more and the other seems healthier for you. As we read through the instructions of the newer, healthier meatballs we noticed that you have to add some water. We made sure they were precooked, which we had not done with the other bag. My dad paused and then asked, "What about the old bag?"

I cleverly responded with, "No, she didn't come with any instructions." Aha. Aha. AHAHAHAHAHA!

If customers didn't use something along the lines of that every time I asked if they wanted a bag for something those words never would have come out of my mouth. OH MY GOD, HAIR!

Say it with me Republicans: PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.

HAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT CONSERVATIVES, SUCK IT TIL YOU DIE

So, yet again, I've chosen to uproot my life and head to a new place to live. Now I'm moving to Arionza, where I spent most of my childhood and early/mid teen years, and setting myself back in school quite a while due to this whole in state tuition nonsense. Now I'll graduate when I'm like 27. How fabulous.

It's mostly just a need. I have to get out of my current situation and even if that puts me back...whatever. I don't even have some sort of concept of what I want to do with my life so I might be wasting my time in college at this point anyway. So...fuck that.

I've changed my relationships with a lot of people lately. Not necessarily on purpose, but more because I've just lost interest in what I had with them...not because of them, but more because I am not interested in having those types of relationships myself. That sentence made absolutely no sense, but whatever. It made sense in my head, and thats all that really matters.

You know what...fuck it.

No. It's been a week since I made my resolutions and I haven't stuck to a single one. The reason is most likely that it has been a rough week, but I can't think of any time soon that it will not be rough. Oh, life, why do you torture us so? That's all.

I have been milling this over and over for about a week now, not counting any previous times I've thought about it, and I can't come up with any explanation as to why life can go so sour so quickly and why it can't be the other way around. I'm not going to make this big depressing post because that would be a waste of time for me to write and you to read. I've done it too many times before. So why? If this universe was created by a god of some sort then why would s/he make it possible for someone to feel so much pain? Don't give me all that 'it's a test of your faith' bull crap. If someone wants to test my faith they shouldn't do everything wrong that is possible and still expect me to wake up with a smile on my face.

And if there is no god, if this universe was just created by whatever weird theory they're talking about now with planets crashing together and life starting or specs of dust exploding due to great pressure and some sort of life starting or something to that effect, then why is it so important that we live out our lives. There is obviously no real point to life either way. I can't think of any reason. This is turning into the post I didn't want it to be.

The point is that no one really knows what the point is. You've really got to wonder what life is all about. It's nice and all to have fun things to do, bowling, traveling, observing nature, eating cake, farting, what have you, but you can't enjoy any of that if you're unhappy so we are back to the pointless factor.

In other news, I am also considering taking a break from the world wide web. I am going to write out a schedule type of thing for myself and try to stick to it. Will this happen? eh, probably not. The lovely Dollar General is losing another employee, one of my closest companions for the last two years(another reason life just sucks right now), and there is news that Jughead is attempting to get back in with us. JUST WHAT WE NEED! This all just means that I will be working, most likely, overtime x2. While it is good money it is not what I can handle and the internet has proven to be the best relief of my stress.Oh, internet, what would I do without you?

I am trying to think of a good way this will go. There has to be something.

OH! No, there is nothing. Yes there is. It seems that this person that I recently had relations with is finally going to send my belongings to me. I mean, what's it been, exactly three months today that we have been apart, and almost two years since we've physically been apart, so it will be nice to have some part of that life back. However, I am afraid that it is too late and that my stuff is gone. That would suck. It took me five months to pay off the computer that I left there. That's the good thing about feeling like crap. I feel less of a need to hold back what I say. I mean, that's not always a good thing but in this case it worked.

I feel a song coming on, but I will spare you.

As for Fork(), I will talk to you in private. THIS IS A PUBLIC THANK YOU FOR BEING A GOOD FRIEND.

Everyone that reads this should search on a certain video hosting site for Monty Python videos, including Silly Walks, Cheese Shop, and I Want To Report A Burglary.

Thank you and good night!

It's funny how at any given moment, whether you're thinking clearly or not, any decision you make can be the most rational thing you've ever thought. Merely months, weeks, days, or even hours later, you can completely hate yourself for that decision and realize that you made a mistake, and often, not a damn thing can be done about that.

I now see my life as a series of these occasions. Mistake after mistake after mistake that I have absolutely no ability to correct or change in any way. A lot of people look at it and say hey, hindsight is 20/20, and life is all about the ride, but sometimes I want the ride to not be such a pain in the ass. I am absolutely not the only one going through trouble, as Spoon detailed in her previous post, her life has been hell lately too, but it still feels like everything is against me lately.

However, whether it's true or not, the question has to be posed: is everything against me because of some universal karma (I actually don't reject this idea, I've done a lot of bad things), because the universe just plain doesn't like me (if you're scoffing at this, I'll remind you that if you're one of the people who believes in a being that wants you not to look at your neighbor's wife because it's just as wrong as murder, you're crazier than me), or am I actually setting myself up for all this failure? I don't like the fact that the last one might be true.

Now, the Patriots losing the Superbowl was not my fault. But losing my ex after my own repeated failures and after not wanting to be with her anyway is my fault, because I went back to someone who I fought with all the time. I was in a bad relationship that was doomed to fail and when the inevitable occured, I was surprised and hurt. Hurt is understandable, but surprised? Why?

Then there are things like gambling. How is that not setting myself up for failure? I always think there is a solution to that whole problem but I always end up on the wrong end of that one, and always think it will be different. It's a compulsion I guess, and one I struggle with repeatedly to remove from my life.

Outside of the famed "her," I struggle with women in a major way. The only women who want me have serious mental issues and children (one must wonder if the two are related...nah, they've always been crazy), and they are just people I am not interested in. It's no fault of their own. They aren't bad people. I've had a connection with one person in my life and that connection is something I need. I can't just date someone. I have my own issues and unfortunately it ends these relationships that could potentially go well. Can't change who you are, though.

There are a couple friendships that have taken a turn in a certain direction that I now realize is a mistake. I need to cut those off because...well, in the end, that kind of thing always comes back to bite me in the ass. Thank God I have people like Spoon to bounce ideas off all the time, even if she is a lameass spoon.

There is also one other really odd case. A girl I was totally in love with in high school is now a good friend of mine, after various absences of talking and whatnot. I am currently in the process of moving back to our mutual home state where she still lives. We've been hanging out a lot recently while I was visiting, and it was...strange. We'd hung out since, but this time it was kind of different. I almost felt like I had some kind of feelings for her...I couldn't tell if it was feelings of "z0mg contact with a girl" or some kind of...nostalgia...or something entirely different. She once told me she thought that we were meant to be together. I suppose now more than before I find this possibility intriguing. Do I believe it? I really don't know. What's more disturbing? She is one of the few regular readers of this website and certainly I'm going to catch hell for this.

I'm finding myself more and more interested in being involved in music as the point of my life. It's not easy to do though. People keep suggesting I be a stand-up comedian, which I have thought about, but it seems difficult. I'm normally funniest when I'm just talking random shit, not when im trying to write something funny. Who knows though, I've failed at 1000 things, why not fail at that?

New year, new place to live, new school, new classes. Old friends, old problems. Life is too cyclical.

It has already been over a week since the first of this year and I have stuck to zero of my resolutions. Perhaps that's because I didn't make them. I have a problem with not doing things because I didn't write them down. I'd love it if you could explain that to me. I figure since I have absolutely nothing to do right now I could sit down and focus on what I want to change for the year. Maybe if it's here I'll stick to it?

1. Eat Healthy + Lose Weight
All arguments aside, this is something I want to focus on. I have spent the last four or five months stressing out and eating just whatever garbage I can buy cheap because money has been tight and I haven't felt like paying attention. That is over(lies)! I'm going to cut fast food out completely, unless it's Subway or a Wendy's side salad. I can handle those.

2. Water, Milk, and DG Diet Cola
It seems that ever since I started heavily drinking pop I have gained some unwanted weight that, no matter what I do, will not go away. Why? Because I continue to drink whatever I work off like an idiot. Solution! No more of it. I'm reverting back to my seltzer water stage. It's a little costly at first but it pays off in the end. At forty cents a can I'll be paying just about half of what I would pay per ounce normally, and it will be healthier. WOO.

3. Go To School
Haha, yeah right. Sorry, Mom, I know I promised. With the financial troubles that are afoot I don't think I'll have much choice about working full time all year. After all, someone has to feed the youngin'. Thank goodness it only takes $26 to care for a rabbit for three or four months. The other youngin', however, will be off to college in eight months and someone will still have to provide food for her.

4. Get Out Of Bed
In the last two months, after I wake up I have remained in bed until after noon or until about six minutes before I have to leave for work. What's the point? Sleep is so good and my bed is relaxing. However, I have been increasingly tired lately no matter how much sleep I am actually getting. If I could get out of bed and see the pretty sunlight that shines down to earth I might just soak up some energy! My guess is that this whole having no mom thing is finally taking its toll. The good news is...

5. Lo Needo Libido
Something has gone right because my libido is back! I know you were all interested. I have been putting it to good use lately, and it will eventually lead to my having sex with Fork because that was just meant to happen. Plus, orgasm = happy pill, so who needs to see a psychiatrist when all you have to do is focus long enough to orgasm? YOWZA!

6. Have Sex With Fork
Even though it was mentioned, I feel the need to separate it because it is that important. Speaking of which, I recently learned there are over twenty three types of forks. I will do them all!

7. Have Fun
2008 sucked. It began with some forty year old guy telling me he had feelings for me(creepy), the beginning of hundreds of trips to various hospitals, high gas prices that drove me into debt again, and the beginning of heart break. Midyear consisted of things only getting worse, treatment not working, terrible work hours that led to no time for family or friends, the end of what was a great relationship, and the first of five important deaths. The last few months brought the year to an end with a bang. Obviously the loss of Maja Lady, bankruptcy, Pretty Bird being on it's way out, and a three more deaths of close friends and family. I want to have fun this year. I want nothing to hold me back. I am going to have to make that possible.

I am pretty much hoping to start out fresh. The sad thing is, while I want to start out fresh at the beginning of a new year, most of the crap from the previous year is still cycling through so I'm stuck finishing all of the pending events. That's okay. That just means I have to work harder.

LET THE GREAT EXPERIMENT BEGIN!

So I was hanging out with our one and only loyal reader. She attempted to beat me into a pulp, but instead I promised that I would write a new post today. So, I am going to do that. Then later I'm going to be stoned and I'll write one then too. But, to appease my friend:

ONE TIME I ATE FOUR HUNDRED CHICKENS IN A ROW. I PUT THE WHOLE, LIVE CHICKENS ON A ROLL AND CALLED IT A CHICKEN SANDWICH. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I have two thouuussaaannnd dollars. I am going to spend it on NINE HOT DOGS. I will ENJOY THEM.

Forty forty forty forty forty forty FORTYYYYYYYYYY.

I was gonna clean my room, but then I got subpoenad for the murder of Abraham Lincoln. FUCK I'M DUE IN COURT.

There are lots of hot chicks on TV. I love hot chicks. I want 6 or 7 of them in my house. Then we'd be all parttyyyyy. We'd have the sex.

Yeah nigga yeah nigga yeah nigga yeah nigga.

EIGHT HUNDRED

So last year, I was in Toronto on New Year's Eve. We watched a local performance and I told my then girlfriend that one year from that day, I would perform on that stage. I'd be the famous one. I'd finally get my rap shit together and make things happen. How did that turn out? Instead of performing for Toronto while in a relationship, I went bowling with my parents. That's kind of different from what I said I would do (but I totally zoned in and had a couple great games).

So, with that in mind, I am committed to making this year better than the last, since last year sucked harder than anything has ever sucked ever. So here it is, The Big List of Things That Will be Better in 2009:

I will get over my ex: If I could do one thing this year, this will be it, and this is not a joke at all. This will be the first year since 2004 that we have not spent some portion of together and I absolutely forget her this year or I will never be happy again.

I will watch Tom Brady break more records on track to winning Superbowl #4: I was worried we were gonna trade Brady and franchise Cassel. Then we didn't make the playoffs. I'm not worried anymore.

I will have sex again this year: What's more shocking to you: that I would admit this on a webpage that family members can easily read, or that I talked about Tom Brady before this?

Seriously, sex: It really needs to be mentioned twice because I haven't had sex in a LONG time.

SEX

LOTS OF SEX

I will own a sno cone stand: Small children in the neighborhood will cower in fear when my sno cone stand blows the shit out of their lemonade stand.

I will invent something: Likely candidates involve some sort of sno cone company and some sort of time machine so I can go back in time and smack myself for dating my bitch ex, and also for living on the internet in the past which preventing me from meeting hawt chix, and also for not losing weight before. Fuck you, past self.

I will decode why MIMS is in fact, hot: No one knows why MIMS is hot, because his logic is lacking; he's hot because he's fly...but why is he fly? Because he's hot? You had to get to fly somehow, MIMS, and I will find out.

This is Why I'm Hot!: Hate it or not, that shit is catchy.

Yes it's me, the underestimated MC, so, ill with the flow, I need an MD: Ok I'm listening to way too much MIMS now.

Where was I?: Oh yeah, 2009. Right.

I will stop running into large groups of people while screaming, "PRAISE ALLAH": I will only run into REALLY large groups and do this now.

I will prove that "We Will Rock You" is the most recognizable song of all time: Seriously. Find me a SINGLE PERSON who has not heard this song. More than that, find someone who doesn't like it. You can't. It rules. I wish I could have this song play every time I walked into a room.

I Will Rock You: You fucking better believe that I will.

I'll have sex with Spoon: Just for good measure. Like a teaspoon's worth of sex. Get it? For good measure? HAHAHAHAHA!

Six Number One Albums!: Imagine that, cats are sick, the dog got his swagger back.

I think that's all for now. I guess these are my resolutions. I'll add more if and when I think of them.