I really enjoyed the conversation I had tonight with one old friend and one fairly new friend, and although we had a lot of fun, it got me thinking: why?

After all of...this. After all of the nonsense I have endured, specifically that of my "past" as it were, and the type of shit I dealt with today...why the hell am I bothering anymore? Even in my worst moments in the past, even in those horrible moments where I really saw the end, the thing that always managed to keep me going was the fact that there was still a part of me, somewhere, that saw a better outcome. It was always the smallest part, the most quiet voice, the last thing I'd ever listen to. Small as it was, it was enough.

Not anymore.

What the hell am I fighting for at this point? What greater cause am I reaching for? Throw that aside, what ANYTHING am I reaching for? I'm living in a place where I feel unwanted, with good people who I think shouldn't want me. I feel a burden to my friends, that being the one or two people I actually consider friends and not just those who tolerate me. I don't have any discernable future, and outside of that, I don't even have any obvious plans or even ability to change anything.

My biggest problem until I turned 18 was that I did not have a reason. For 3 1/2 years, fucked up as it was, I HAD ONE. I had everything I needed. Nothing else mattered because that one single thing was all I really needed to survive and to make it through life. Nine months ago that reason disappeared and now I am reaching and struggling to find anything.

Guess what: nothing is there.

I think the worst part is that no one around me gets it. I'm not foolish enough to think that I am the only person to have ever felt this way, but it is obvious to me that I am surrounded by people who don't have this problem, and my passive aggressive statements and movements are obviously not getting through to them, and why would it? I wouldn't pay attention if I were someone else.

I've said it alot, that I would do it or that I wanted to or that I thought I should...and you know what? For once, I am honest to god considering it. It's never gonna get any better, I'm never gonna replace her. The answer has always been staring me in the face, but I have just ignored it.

All that aside, I hope NS is okay. He is a person who knows how to enjoy life. His absence is a misunderstanding, I'm sure. I'd hate for someone like him, who actually has something to give others, to be in trouble or lost, when there are those of us who lack any sort of purpose...who still exist.